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"Wreck my life"
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February 27, 2019
Jason Brunswick is currently applying to the Servants of Christ Jesus (SCJ), a religious community in Denver, Colorado. The community asks applicants to provide a spiritual autobiography.
Following is a portion of Jason’s spiritually autobiography reflecting on our 2017 Kolkata Mission. We hope you are as inspired as we are with Jason’s sharing.
“Wreck my life” was the prayer I prayed throughout the spring of 2017 as I prepared for a mission trip to Kolkata, India. I knew the Lord was transforming me in more ways than I realized, but also that I had many blind spots and areas to grow.
I wanted to do something radical to experience Christ in a new way – something that would shake me from the routine I was becoming comfortable in at Ohio State.
The Brotherhood of Hope, a religious community of brothers that works closely with St. Paul’s Outreach, presented the opportunity at the School for the New Evangelization (SNE) the year before and I reluctantly applied for the discernment/mission trip. I was accepted, and six months later Jesus would answer my prayer in far more ways than I could have imagined.
We left in May of 2017 and first spent three days in a Christian Community called Vasai, who was part of the “Sword of the Spirit” umbrella of covenant communities. Here I met the most generous, Spirit-led people I had ever encountered. It was difficult to receive all the generosity they showed. “Because we loved you so much, we were eager to share with you not only the Gospel of God, but our very lives as well, because you had become very dear to us” (1 Thessalonians 2:8).
After being filled with grace and our group (three religious Brothers, six SPO missionaries, two students) coming to know each other in deeper ways, we left to serve two weeks in Kolkata.
These two weeks challenged me unlike anything I had ever experienced. Physically, there was constant noise and inescapable heat. The food quickly got old. We were exposed to poverty unlike we had ever seen and encountered persons with open wounds and strange ailments. I had my own hidden sufferings the Lord allowed me to struggle with and offer up.
The mission wasn’t as glorious as I imagined. After the first day, I remember asking Brother Patrick, “Did we just travel halfway across the world to hang laundry and do dishes?” He smiled and told me that it would soon make sense. These small, humble acts of love defined Mother Teresa’s mission, and would indeed teach me as well.
Spiritually, I encountered unprecedented aridity. I felt abandoned. “God, I traveled halfway across the world for You. Where are you?” Weaknesses were laid bare, and I struggled as I realized the lack of charity and faith in my heart. I felt exposed, naked. I did not like the vulnerability I experienced. I was used to being “the man” and keeping strong for others. I was laid bare for myself and others to see, and felt I had nothing to give.
Day Four is a day that I will never forget – I walked back from Prem Don and told one of the Brothers that Kolkata broke me down more in four days than the Army could do in four months at Basic Training. I didn’t want to be there and wondered if I made a mistake in coming.
Through all this, God’s grace through the community sustained me. Every day, the Brothers would give a talk (often on discernment – it was primarily a discernment trip). We would have a short prayer meeting and worship together.
Every evening, the eleven of us men would come together, share our struggles and realizations, and pray with one another. All of us young men were struggling. The Brothers encouraged us, and told us we were learning a message of “Christian sobriety” and that we were becoming men – realizing that following Jesus is not always an exciting adventure, but can be difficult and demanding. But it is a choice. There was no comfort to encourage us, only a choice to make.
Day Five changed the trip. I woke up, and had a moment of grace. I realized I was at a crossroads. I would most likely remain in a sort of desolation and discomfort the rest of the trip. I could “whine and pout” or “rely on God’s strength and choose Him. Not because I want to, but because I know it is right” (from my prayer journal).
I chose the latter, and though Day Five was not any less difficult, it was one of the most blessed days of my life. “Slay me though He will, I will hope in Him” (Job 13:15).
As difficult as the rest of the trip was, it was incredibly joyful. We learned to love in simple ways and be a “cheerful giver” (1 Corinthians 9:7). We shared the Gospel with other volunteers (many Protestants and even atheists) and witnessed to our Catholic faith. We shaved faces, fed persons, held hands, or simply sat with God’s children in Prem Don. “Whatever you do for the least of My children, you did it for Me” (Matthew 25:40).
I had intimate encounters and breakdowns with several of the men, whom I am thoroughly convinced were “Jesus in a distressing disguise” (Mother Teresa).
The Brothers showed an incredible witness to religious life – remaining steadfast in their own trials and giving of themselves to so many other volunteers who sought spiritual direction, or simply an ear to listen to.
The Lord taught me many things I carried back to America, but particularly how to love through small and unseen acts, humility and surrender, trading self-sufficiency for His All-Sufficiency (a charism of the Brotherhood), and the choice that the Christian life consists of. I prayed to not only know about the Father’s heart, but to truly know It, and to have It.
I prayed that Ohio State would become my own Kolkata, and that I would see through the exterior smiles of students and see the interior poverty that Mother Teresa insisted was so much more prevalent in the West.
The Father shared His heart and gave me His eyes as I returned, and I still am confounded with sorrow at times for the interior poverty and darkness He allows me to see. I have sought Mother Teresa’s intercession often, as I am learning to simply love the person placed in front of me, and trust that the Father has a plan for everyone else.